Tonight J is having a hard time falling asleep. He was almost hysterical when I put he and P down at bedtime, and two hours later when CJ got home from football he started moaning again. CJ went in to comfort him but he just wanted momma. Swoon.
I went in and knelt beside him, but he reached out and held my hand and said "momma" and when I asked him what he wanted, he repeated "momma", so I tucked him in a lay down beside him. I usually just leave when they go to bed, staying longer just drags out bedtime. But this was sweet, just me and him, laying in the dark. I left the door slightly open so I could still see a bit, but it was still like looking at a very dark black and white photo. Oh, how I wish I had a camera with me in there. It's something I want to burn into my memory forever. Just laying there, looking at my sweet little boy, watching him try to fight off sleep. I wanted him to sleep because he desperately needed it from the days activities, but I didn't want him to sleep because then I'd have to leave, and I just didn't want to be without him.
Big yawns, drooping eyelids.
Little hand reaching out to brush my shirt, a whispered "mama". Making sure I'm still there.
Blink. Blink. Another yawn.
Little hand searching, found the beloved toy fish.
Pulls fish close to him, snuggling it tight to his chest.
Is he asleep? I can't tell... no. He turns over.
Finds his blanket, the blanket he's snuggled with since he was a few months old. The blanket I couldn't resist buying even though we had plenty of baby blankets. So plush and soft.
Turns back to me, saying "ma" and hands me his blanket.
I snuggle the blanket in between us so we're both touching it.
Stroke his newly shorn, not so babylike hair. Still soft, but I miss that tie to him still being my baby.
So sweet, still so innocent.
Whisper "I love you" over and over. Try to hold back emotional mommy tears.
Try to move away a bit so he can finally drift off into dreamland.
Another reach out, this time to pat my face. Yes I'm still here, little man.
I want to be here in this moment forever.
Oh, how I wish I had a camera to capture that, but a blog post will have to do.